Los Angeles Chronicles #3

[Scrap #1] I spoke to Mom and Dad and Tomek to let them know that things have gone bad and I basically lost my income. Tomek promised to help financially. He is now in London and he can send some money in for the time being and we'll see what happens next. In the meantime I became the president of the International Student Forum. I started attending it in the last semester just to make some international friends. We actually went on a trip to San Francisco, drove by a Dutch village, stayed in San Luis Obispo in [Madeleine Inn], drove by Big Sur and Nepente restaurant with its great view and also visited the Hearst Castle spending the second night in one of the hotels in Downtown San Francisco. I wanted to go out by myself but at the end I just ended up hanging out with the rest of the group by Fisherman's Wharf. They liked me and voted me to become the next chief. To be completely honest, it has been a bit of a disaster. I am supposed to be preparing topics for discussion but people stopped showing up. I'm not sure next trip will happen at all.

[Scrap #2] I am just now mostly scared. Of course I saw it coming but it was convenient just to push it off, fingers crossed and see if anything good happens. But things don't miracleously get better. And I am pretty much with my own. Whomever I talk to I can't really complain because it was my choice to come here and I do have to face the consequences. Ok, David does listen. There is still some time until I have to pay for the tuition and in the meantime I can turn to Tomek. But that was not the plan. I was supposed to live of savings, blah blah. And I'm going to push for it no matter what, I will keep going. In the meantime I choose to believe Barry that the money will come and then get impatient and dissapointed if they don't or worse keep my hopes up when occasionally some money shows up if they're not spent on something else. I am no longer the priority. Fang Choi basically resigned and need to look for a new job. I'm still sticking in because of the convenience and need for companion but I know I should break free.

[Scrap #3] I wake up late now and show up in the 'office' also later than expected. I only have to study for the international relations class now and show up at the club meetings. It's the nights when I enjoy staying up. The silence of it. I did post some craigslist ad and I got some requests from an actress that lives in Venice Beach and needs her portfolio, some make up artist and a composer who paid me upfront and now complains that I cashed the check before doing any work. I take the bus to Santa Monica and go to the cinema on the 2nd street. I watched Dogville and I loved how immersed I become into the movie although some people started leaving in the middle of the screening. Sometimes I am the only person in the room. I also walk along the third street promenade and enjoy the more quiet and cool days of winter. I'm trying to learn some Japanese and to get motivated I convinced myself that I'm a CIA agent on a mission. I'm not really in rush to do anything else. Oh, and it's been rainy and cloudy in the last few days.

[Scrap #4] The sun has come back. David continues with our routine of calling me late at night and then driving to random places in Los Angeles. We drive all the way to downtown either to Tofu House where he ceremonially eats an entire fish including its head in front of me or to another Korean spot, a small place filled with smoke which serves an amazing barbecued squid. On the way back we listen to the love songs from the Coast 103.5 and we either stop by West Hollywood or Ralph's. At the end of the night, often after 2am we finished with Banana Split from Denny's. We sit in on of the booths and flirt with the same waiter and we leave him a nice tip. My craigslist ad got some traction and I am now working on a website for a documentary movie. The 'studio' is based in one of the Santa Monica's apartments just down the road from the college by the 4th street. The evenings bring mist from the ocean - something to do with the sun. I still go to Barry's afterwards to continue working on our projects so I'm usually exhausted when I get home. 

[Scrap #5] Last weekend I hang out with Tommy again and we drove to San Pedro to see a massive Korean bell. It was pretty cool. We also checked some of the rocks at a nearby beach. A few weeks ago on our way to San Francisco we stopped by in the middle of the way we stopped by to take a break by a stretch of a green area. He asked me whether I was confident I was going to get into the university and I said yes. I'm not too worried about Long Beach and I'm pretty sure about UCLA. We will see about Berkeley but I don't even want to think about it. The movie I'm working on is about a legendary comedian who ended up going to prison for his son's trade with drug perephinelia. Apparently, the actor pissed off John Ashcroft so they made a deal that he needs to go instead of his son. Anyway, it seems that I'm the only one not smoking marijuana in the whole crew. The director, Josh, is seems to be getting suspicious that I'm not as good with websites as he thought but he likes what I did for Barry.

[Scrap #6] The reason why Josh seems frustrated is because he constantly changes his mind and now he's asking me to have previews of clips moving on the screen in a perfect circle. I'm not a web wizard. I know how to upload videos, compress them and fit them into TV frames and add things to them. I told him that for thirty dollars per hour he is still getting a good deal. I know I'm happy with it. I had a free day a few days ago so I took a bus to hang out around UCLA. I sat on the stairs and was sort of trying to fit myself into the campus life although I still haven't received the admission decision. God knows how I'm going to pay for it. Amy told me I'm her best student and if I get accepted she will lower my rent by one hundred dollars. She's already assumed that I'm not going to move out. She's probably right. I can take the Blue Bus from Santa Monica. It is sometimes tiring to live there but I can at least save up some money. I know, it would be pretty cool to live in Westwood.

[Scrap #7] Berkeley has finally sent their decision. I got in. The message came in a large yellow envelope with a letter enclosed in a nice blue folder. They're asking me if I can hear the sound of toiling bells. So far I can hear the sound of money. This is getting real and I am panicked. What the fuck did I do? Of course I knew it was going to happen. I sent my Berkeley application only because it cost me fifty dollars more. I dared the destiny, put myself again into "let's see how it goes" mode and here I am staring into the future with my eyes wide open. I can't sleep. I'm already anticipating that UCLA will say yes so I draw a list of prons and cons. Berkeley accepted me for the spring semester so that buys me some times. Time but no real job prospects. But again, can I really hope that I will get a job in Los Angeles. I called Mom at about 3am and she can't really help me much apart from listening. It's a big hole I'm jumping into and there's no way I'm coming out of it neither dead or alive.

[Scrap #8] UCLA said yes but they sent their decision in a regular white envelope. No poems, no bells, just a generic letter. Amy had intercepted the letter and she is over the moon. I don't know what to do so I just go for a walk to the ocean. There's a bar by the entrance so I walk in and order a Heineken. It reminds me of my trip to Amsterdam with Akira. I have never been in a bar by myself so I order another beer and talk to the bartender. I know it's an important decision and I want to make it look like I'm in a movie. A drunk character at the crossroads of his life. After the third and a visit to the toilet it all becomes clear. There's no other choice but the signs, the envelope, the name, everything tells me that I need to get out of this place and go to Berkeley. I go home, it's chilly and I can barerly hold my pee. As I'm unlocking the door I sober up realising that I have no idea how I'm going to tell the news to Amy. This is going to break her heart.

[Scrap #9] Marilyn is very happy for me and she gives me a hug. She tells me how much I'm going to be enjoy hanging out with people of my intellect. Barry is happy as well but at the same he keeps saying that I should join his university and he is only half joking. I think he's feeling bad about all the money that he owes me and he's maybe hoping that he can offset it with waiving the tuition fees. Not a chance. To be honest, I haven't fully checked how much Berkeley is but I had already accepted the offer so I'll worry about the details later. The only downside is that I had to cancel my trip to Poland and I won't be flying with my parents to Turkey. I spoke to them about it from the payphone by the college and Dad said that I shouldn't worry about them. I am also taking a summer class which I can transfer to Berkeley and will help me keep my student visa status. It's a class about diversity in media. I will also finally get to spend a summer in Los Angeles and I'm planning to fully enjoy it!

[Scrap #10] I was just tired and really exhausted so I walked to the cinema on the 2nd street to see Valentin. It was a movie about a kid who wanted to become an astronaut. I watched him walking in a uniform and I cried. I guess it made me miss my childhood. The arrogance of it. I had no idea what I was doing. I took a bus, the one that I would always take, and rode to the UCLA campus. I walked around and touched the walls as if it to apologise for not following up with my plans. For the betrayal. I sat in silence for a while. It was finally time to say good bye. Good bye to the school, good bye to the ocean, good bye to the past. I then walked to Starbucks and read a newspaper. Something about Colombia. Finally, Joe called me to talk about his upcoming eye surgery. In a few weeks I was going to graduate from college. Amy would show up with Isan. Kamil, Joe and Akira will come by as well. Ronald Reagan has just died and the commencement speaker will be telling us not to forget how to dream.